What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
