Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
