I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i black out too much to be "responsible"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
