I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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