dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
