Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
