I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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