So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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