So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
