just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
