Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
