I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
