Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
