Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
