oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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