hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
