Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
