Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
