watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
