You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
