i don't like sucking hair
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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