Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have already put on my inside pants.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize