The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
