last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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