Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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