If that was your dad, he is hot
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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