i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
