How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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