i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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