Porn is love you can see.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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