Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
