I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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