I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
