He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
