I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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