I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
