did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
