I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
