Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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