I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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