The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
