living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We left the knife in your bed.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
