After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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