Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize