woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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