I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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