It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
