I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Someone came in the potted fern
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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