These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
