we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
