I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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