It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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