so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
