He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
