I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
