the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
