If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
where are you?
Hypothermia
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
