Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so let's talk penis.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
