You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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