It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
