if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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