Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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